Starting from scratch.
It seems that it's been a theme of mine for awhile now.
And it's something that I'm finding is necessary to do.
If you've been wondering why Old Ways has been offline for so long, it's because I'm dealing with a rather tenacious illness. There are days when the symptoms are almost crippling, just as there are days when I blissfully forget I'm even stricken. With each passing day I'm slowly learning how to get a handle on the disease and, while I certainly do not have the proficient control I'd like over the symptoms, I'm fighting the good fight and counting the successes one baby step at a time.
The interesting thing about this whole process is that it has caused me to question everything; my path; my relationships; even my core understanding of reality. When you push up hard against the line between life and death, there is a tendency to forget the little things. All that's left are overwhelming themes and a desire to find black and white where there are only multitudes of gray. And there have been days when the battle has been so difficult, all I've wanted to do was curl up in a tiny ball and hide inside myself until the end of time.
But when I raise my head and look around, I somehow see beauty. Sometimes its only the beauty of a tiny flower blooming in a barren landscape, but the beauty is always there. I often find myself wondering, why? Why is beauty so ever-present? Why is it that no matter where I look, no matter how difficult my day, I somehow find beauty there? And how is it that we can so easily overlook the blessings and wonder that are right before us?
I've been thinking a lot lately... about life... about destiny... about God. Am I doing the right thing, continuing my path as a witch? There are millions of individuals out there who would say that what I am doing is not only wrong, but an affront to the very beauty that I see around me. It doesn't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. The rituals and philosophy that I hold so dear don't worship the beauty that I see - they honor the sacred power behind that beauty. I just can't find anything wrong with offering a song or a chant where another religion may offer a prayer. The spiritual path that I choose doesn't reflect the divinity that I see, but rather how I experience that sacredness. I am not one to sit in a pew and listen to another man speak. That's not how I honor God.
So I'm still on my path. It's different now. Most days I feel like a tiny animal, slowly stepping out of the cozy shadows of its den. Sometimes I'm eager to explore. Other times, I really want to run and hide in what is safe - a false shield of ignorance and intentional blindness. If I ignore that I see beauty everywhere, I don't have to honor it. I can hide amidst the symptoms of my illness and ignore that there's beauty in this world when I hurt so much.
Then I think of that tiny flower blooming in a barren landscape and I realize that the flower is me. There's beauty in fighting the good fight. There's beauty in knowing that I'm willing to try my best today, even when tomorrow may bring disaster. And everywhere I look, in everyone I see, I see the same beauty. We each have our struggles - and yet we still choose to open our eyes, step out of the darkness, and slowly explore our world to the best of our ability.
And that's why I'm pagan. I'm not pagan because I believe "God" is best honored as seeing the divine as the Goddess and the God. I'm not pagan because I believe that rituals hold more power than prayer or that the patterns of nature hold more truth that the scriptures. I'm pagan because when I choose to honor the divine touch that creates the beauty I see, my feet lead me in a circle. I dance. I chant. I call the quarters, each element honoring the sacred, even as it charges my rite.
So today I found the answer to step one.
Perhaps tomorrow I'll find the answer to step two.
And when I do, I'll do my best to share it with you.